I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
