I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
