I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
