Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
