I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
