I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
