I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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