I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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