took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
