I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
