I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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