I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
