My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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