Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
