How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
