Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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