we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
