The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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