Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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