Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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