i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
