just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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