I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
