she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
