Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
