All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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