My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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