I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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