Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have aggressive nipples.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
