you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
