You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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