WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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