yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
