my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
