So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just want nice things and good sex
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
