Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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