I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
