Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
