i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
