after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize