then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
