where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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