im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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