pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
