So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
