I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
