i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
