I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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