I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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