You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
