Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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