Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
